Wheelnanddealin One Woman's Tale of Woe
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that
would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was
one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,
you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm
and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or
wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no
fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together,
my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to
1000 degrees.
("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it
wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of
all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair
fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my
vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace
myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off
half the strip.
CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is
swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,
breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that
has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to
it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body
hair. I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I
touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still
propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So
I put my foot down.
DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina?
Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge
to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the
bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax
should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your
nether regions glued together, is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to
have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and
has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good
conversation starter
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks
for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we
talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by
now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests
I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping
the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to
the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major
hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic
Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on
and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out
of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my
friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then
notice to my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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