The Old
Man's Job Application
This is an actual job application that a 75
year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in
Arkansas.
NAME: George
Martin
SEX: Not
lately, but I am looking for the right woman,
(or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION:
Company President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't
be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
package. If that's not possible, make an offer
and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle
management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday,
Tuesday and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better
suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I
be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS
THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more
appropriate question here would be "Do you have
a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing
House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no, on my
breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE
YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy,
blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to
be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE
AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE:
Sagittarius
Wal-Mart ended up hiring the old man
because he was so funny.
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