Wheelnanddealin Quickies 2
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far"
in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was
convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced
the sentence to 1,001 years.
NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit.
Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by
excruciating pain after nine months.
The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known
to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an
incurable disease and possible death.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active,
is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect,
makes a wonderful pet.
What do you get if you mix holy water with milk of magnesia?
A religious movement
What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.
There was a blonde and a brunette in a car. The brunette hears a siren
behind them, so she asks the blonde if its lights are on. The blonde turns
around and says "yes, no, yes, no....."
In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time this happens, her mother
must be in the room to witness the act.
A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release.
He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute.
By mistake he unknowingly wound up at the office of a podiatrist.
Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised
but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told
him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.
Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered
and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.
"My goodness", she exclaimed, "I was expecting to see a foot.
" "Well," he said, "if you're going to complain about an inch then
I'll take my business elsewhere."
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
Blonde Robbery
A blonde walked up to a man and said,
"Give me your wallet." The man said,
"Okay, but give me the gun."The blonde gave him the gun
and the man gave his wallet. The man used the gun to steal
his wallet back. The blonde said, "You're an idiot
-- there's no bullets in the gun." The man replied,
"You're the idiot -- there's no money in the wallet."
what do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dilexic?
someone who's up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of
Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening.
The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy!
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing
a stupid question, interrupted himself and said,
"Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
"Old Jethro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife
told her husband.
"How can you tell ?" he asked. "Did you smell it ?"
"Nope. But a bunch of mice from over to his place came over
here this morning and beat the shit out of our cats . . ."
According to police in Junction City, Kan., David Bell, 30, just released
from jail for car theft, walked out the door and stole another car to get
home.
Actual quotes by dumb lawyers
1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes
quietly away and doesn't know anything about it
until the next morning?
2. Q: What heppened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because
you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
3. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
4. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
5. Were you alone or by yourself?
6. How long have you been a French Canadian?
7. Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
8. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize
that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
9. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
10. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
11. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
12. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
13. So you were gone until you returned?
14. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
15. You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
16. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
17. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next
question."
19. Have you ever thought of committing unvoluntary manslaughter?
20. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury! Please take a long,
hard look at this alleged repeat sex offender....
Q: What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a job?
A: After 20 years, the job STILL sucks.
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressed
with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.
"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preacher
says "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of
the Lord".
The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever
heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use
curse words in the Lords house again".
The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that I
placed $1000 dollars in the collection plate".
The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
CONDOMINIUM
A prophylactic for midgets
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