Wheelnanddealin Quickies 7
VENTRILOQUIST COWBOY
While riding one day, a Cowboy that practiced ventriloquism met an Indian riding along with a dog and sheep and he began a conversation:
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk.
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: (Look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good"
Indian: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian)
Horse: "Yep!"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian: (Complete look of utter amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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An old lady lived by herself in a small house in a small
town. One day she went to the local grocery store and while
she was gone a criminal broke into her house, took her
clothes off of the line, smashed the water melons in her
garden, shaved her cat and then left when he couldn't find
any money. Well, a couple of hours later the old lady got
home and when she saw what had happened to her house she
immediately called the police. When the officer on the other
end answered the phone and asked her what the problem was
she simply replied "yes officer someone broke into my house,
took my clothes off, squeezed my melons, and shaved my
pussy.
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Here's an easy one we did for our boss. Sign him up for a cross dresser
weekly subscription or some other form of perversion (North America Man
Boy Love Association). Address it to his name but under his neighbors
address.
Do this several times. Also, if you have his home phone, there's nothing
like placing his name and number in homosexual personal ads...
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UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
____________________University
To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________
I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:
______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:
______Medical School ______Graduate School
______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
_______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:
______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
______Chicanos ______People ______Students
_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or
at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the
following illness:
______mono ______broken baby finger
______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
______VD ______fatherhood
_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:
______too detailed to pick out important points
______not explained in sufficient detail
______too boring
______all jokes and not enough material
______all of the above
_____17. This course was:
______too early, I was not awake.
______at lunchtime, I was hungry
______too late, I was tired
_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
(book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________
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CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade
hard enough." (Regina, 10)
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Next time you think your hotel bill is too high...you might want to use this logic...
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on he road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the
clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised
when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked
a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging
by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness
to make it look as if he had hanged himself.
When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a
neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized
the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms
laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the
backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart
attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife
were reconciled.
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There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the
drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see
a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
over slept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,
fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The
police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home
and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to
my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his
friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd."
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My cousin Denney came to visit from the farm last summer. I asked
how his bus ride was and he said he had a good ride except for a
rude lady he encountered.
I asked what the problem was, and he said that when the lady got
on there were no seats left, so he offered her his seat. She
declined since she was only riding for a short distance. However,
while she was standing with her butt right in his face, he noticed
her dress was caught up in her crack. He decided to be nice and help
her so he pulled it out.
Well, she turned around and whooped him hard enough to turn his lights
out!
Then I asked him what he did then?
And Denney said that since she was that rude, he poked the dress right
back in there!
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A new study says spanking is bad for kids, however, experts are a bit
suspicious of the findings - the study was written in crayon.
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
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A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to
supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem
reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the
present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be
prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company
check.
However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present
these to their banks. The name of the company: 'The Anal Sex and Fetish
Perversion Company.'
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A young woman was doing some business at Marshall University and
parked in an area clearly marked "no parking."
After taking care of business, she returned to her car to find a
campus security guard writing her a ticket.
"Why are you giving me a ticket?" she asked.
"You're not allowed to park here," the guard said. "See that sign?
It says 'Fine for Parking Here.'"
"Well," said the violator, "I thought it was a fine place to park."
The guard began to laugh. The more he thought about it, the harder
he laughed.
He tore up the ticket and waved the woman on her way.
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Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every
room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'
So she says, "Wear your sweater."
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An amateur translator from English to Japanese happened to find a
temporary job. The first he has to do is this; " Go the extra mile.
It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker."
Because the Japanese translator does not have a sense to understand
the above, his work in Japanese reads; "Don't go the extra mile, or
it reveals you as an incompetent slacker like your boss."
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site,
by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company,
of course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web department
take it down immediately.
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