Wheelnanddealin Quickies 6
Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day,
she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!" When the repairman arrived at Rhonda's apartment the following day,
he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said,
the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.
"What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"
Amy, a blonde Texas city girl, married a Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher said to Amy,
"The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.
I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the specific cow's stall in the barn.
You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
So, the rancher left for the back 500.
The artificial insemination man arrived and knocked on the front door and Amy took
him down to the barn. They walked along the row of cows and when she saw the nail,
she said, "This is the one ... right here!"
Terribly impressed by what he thought was just another ditzy blond, the man asked,
"Tell me little lady, how did you know this was the cow to be bred?"
"That's simple! By the nail over the stall," Amy explained very confidently.
Then the man looked up there and asked, "What's the nail for?"
As she walked away, again with complete confidence, she said: "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
LET HIM DIG
An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come
back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange
occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68.
His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the
local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed
be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke
to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted
on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood
facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into
this mess, let him get himself out of it."
DADDY LONG LEGS
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as
he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He
went
over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed
she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then
took
her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden." she said
Name of your Willy
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy,
"What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me
the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.'
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to
his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?"
The fella proudly replies, " 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fella's on his right, who happen
to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because
"'Quality is Job One" " Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....Like a Rock!" And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he
comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender
and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "'Why Secret?"
The cowboy says,
"Because it's "STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas
plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has
breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides
that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and
drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest
dreams."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make
it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I
wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need
me."
***POOF***
He turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
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