On Fri, 15 May 1998 11:35:57 -0500, Randy Stockert wrote:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &
points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she
expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties:
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car..........+1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the
nearest gas station..........-1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb..........+1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am, just as the truck pulls
away..........-1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish..........+1
You leave dishes in the sink..........-1
You leave them under the bed..........-5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with
wings..........+5
But return with beer..........-5
You leave the toilet seat up..........-1
You leave the toilet seat down..........0
You When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..........-1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..........-2
You make the bed..........+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..........-1
You check out a suspicious noise at night..........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..........0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron..........+10
It's her father..........-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking
buddy..........-2
Named Tiffany..........-4
Tiffany is a dancer..........-6
Tiffany has implants..........-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly..........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain," and pat her on
the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she
is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as
you"..........+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you
say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"..........-6
That woman is her sister..........-90
You have one drink, and that's it..........0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle..........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted..........-18
Saturday Afternoon:
You go to the mall together..........+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car..........+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports
bar..........-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it..........+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional..........0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk..........+3
Most of it chips and beer..........-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den..........+15
Or refinishing the floors..........+16
Or rewiring the basement..........+17
Or adding a second floor..........+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket..........-6
And you're tickled pink about it..........-15
You visit her parents..........+1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation..........+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television..........-3
And the television is off..........-6
You spend the afternoon watching football in your underwear..........-6
And you didn't even go to college..........-10
And it's not your underwear..........-15
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..........0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar..........+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..........-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team..........-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player..........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and
sing..........+4
And you stink..........+2
And you're not half bad..........+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much
applause..........-2
You give her a gift..........0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance..........-10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance..........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..........+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..........-10
With her credit card..........-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40
Thoughtfulness:
You forget her birthday completely..........-10
You forget your anniversary..........-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..........-25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey..........-35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast..........-50
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal..........-5
And the pal is happily married..........-4
Or frighteningly single..........-7
And he drives a Trans Am..........-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..........-15
You have a few beers..........-9
And miss curfew by an hour..........-12
You get home at 3 am..........-20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars..........-30
And not wearing any pants..........-40
Is that a tattoo???..........-200
Her Night Out:
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends..........+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late..........+10
You wait up..........+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20
A Night At Home:
You watch TV together..........0
You rent a movie..........+1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY..........+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout..........+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep..........-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool..........-2
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..........+2
You take her to a movie she likes..........+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon)..........+6
You take her to a movie you like..........-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........-7
Which features cyborgs having sex..........-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..........-15
Flowers:
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..........0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it..........+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+10
And she contracts Lyme disease..........-25
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..........-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it..........+10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian
shirts..........-5
Finances:
You spend a lot of money on something impractical..........-5
Something she can't use..........-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..........-20
And your kid needs braces..........-30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces..........-120
Driving:
You lose the directions on a trip..........-4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost..........-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town..........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal..........-25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt..........-60
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?"..........-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a
deficit)
You hesitate in responding..........-10
You reply, "Where?"..........-25
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like
a concerned expression..........0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the TV..........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..........-10
_______________________________________________
On Thu, 14 May 1998 20:58:54 -0700, Vivian Clark wrote:
The Wedding
If any of you guys out there have ever thought you have balls, forget about it.
This is a true story that happened at a wedding at Clemson.
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone
for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He
especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming. To
thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he
wanted to give everyone a gift from him. So taped to the bottom of
everyone's chair was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to
everyone and told them to open it. Inside the manila envelope was an 8x10
picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He must have gotten
suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them.)
After he stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of
minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- You", he turned to the
bride and was similarly passionate, and then said "I'm out of here".
He got the marriage annulled the next day. While most of us would have
broken it off immediately after we found out about the affair, this guy
goes through with it anyway. His revenge: making the bride's parents pay
for a 300 guest wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what
did happen, and trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of
friends, family, grandparents, etc. Ohhhhhhh, that smarts......
_______________________________________________
On Mon, 27 Apr 1998 03:36:33 -0500, Randy Stockert wrote:
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to
trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why
soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants
to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a
spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they
don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three
people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing.
It might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the
shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things could be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and
will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21
outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair before bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about
how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
(Not true: there's also prostitution & porn. Sense a connection?----MTC)
21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there
in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men
just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting
lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep
afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means
that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man a woman sees is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
( I don't get this one; guess I'll have to read the story again. MTC)
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading. (Women cannot use a map, period. Or give
directions!---MTC)
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really
have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into
the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women
seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the
trash, and picking up the check.
42. The word "thing" is a woman's favorite noun. It can be, and is, substituted
for any noun she doesn't feel like dredging up from her memory banks.
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up
thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they "left
the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to
the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert
Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and
spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking
out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
50. The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the
same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's
another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
_______________________________________________
On Tue, 19 May 1998 01:29:33 -0500, Randy Stockert wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So Just EXACTLY what is a BITCH???
Babe
In
Total
Control of
Herself
So girls...next time someone calls you a BITCH...smile and say, "Why, thank
you!!"
*********************
I heard a guy saying that having pay ten dollars of a Viagra pill was
excessive since he only spent twenty dollars on a date. If he only
spends twenty dollars on a date, he should have anything to worry about. He
won't need the pill.
_______________________________________________
On Fri, 22 May 1998 10:12:47 -0500, Randy Stockert wrote:
Just Her Size
I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see
people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing
December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint,
those people will be male. Without males, there would be no such sport as
professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in
the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
There would be no such words as ``wedgie'' and
``noogie.''
Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations there would be -- I
sincerely believe this -- virtually no military conflicts, and when there were a
military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and there would soon
be ahigh-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with
flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with
the dressing on the side).
So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one
key area: clothing sizes. Here, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that
fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those
pants are too small, he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that
fits, he buys them.. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the
back label. If you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read
his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch
inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically
the same thing as having a sign that says: "Howdy! My butt is the size of a
Federal Express truck!''
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her
primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. Her
primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was
19 years old: some arbitrary number such as "8'' or "10.'' Don't ask me ''8" or
"10'' of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is
that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a
size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move onto a larger size: She can't!
Her size is 8, dammit!
So she will keep trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she
will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband,
who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image
store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision
binoculars. "Hi!'' he'll say, when his wife finds him. ``You know how sometimes
the electricity goes out at night and n. . . ." "Am I fat?'' she'll ask,
cutting him off. This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he
answers "yes,'' she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if he
answers "no,'' she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE
SIZE 8's FIT HER. There is no escape. I think a lot of unexplained
disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying
on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives
come out and demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join
a UFO cult.
Here's how a man could get rich: Start a women's clothing store called "SIZE
2,'' in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be
restaurant awnings, had labels with the words ``SIZE 2.'' I bet you'd sell
clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up
some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of
_______________________________________________
Steve McCracken wrote:
Men are like department stores....
their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like vacations....
they never seem to be long enough.
Men are like computers...
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere
Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for
your hips.
Men are like coffee....
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.
Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware
store or the bathroom.
Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to
get hard.
Men are like laxatives.....
They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like parking spots.....
The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.
A man is like a snowstorm....
you never know when he's coming, how many
inches you'll get, or how long he will last.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work for it.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that make dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul
odors and don't work half the time.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.
Why are men like tile floors ?
If you lay 'em properly the first time
you can walk all over 'em for years.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
gifted
AND FINALLY....
Why is it hard for women to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
On Tue, 11 Aug 1998 12:44:51 -0700, Vivian Clark wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to drive women crazy:
1. Call her by the dog's name and then deny it.
2. Answer all her questions with a question, preferably one on a totally
different subject.
3. Superglue the commode seat in the up position.
4. Shrink her jeans and when she overreacts because she thinks that she's
gaining weight, give her a condescending smile and say that you prefer her
with some meat on her bones.
5. Firmly refuse to ever ask for directions even if you find yourself in
Georgia when your original destination was California.
6. Call her by your mother's name and then deny it.
7. Start a conversation with the dog in the middle of one with her.
8. Buy her power tools for Valentine's Day.
9. Never give her a straight answer.
10. Take up yodeling and practice a lot.
11. Quote Tim Allen to validate your position during arguments. (Argh!
Argh! Argh!)
12. Leave the newspaper open to an ad for plastic surgery.
13. Pretend you forgot how to speak English.
14. Answer every question with "Yes, dear." (Use with caution as PMS is a
valid murder defense in many states.)
________
On Mon, 31 Aug 1998 20:26:44 GMT, Kathy Gould wrote:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like,
"You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my
mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat.
You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her vallium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a crap.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't
all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said,
"Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous
toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen witch... do it and
you die."
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older
than 30 or weighing more than 110 pounds can fit into their stuff.
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your
neck?"
In every woman there is a Queen. Speak to the Queen and the Queen will answer.
--Norweigen Proverb
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