Wheelnanddealin Irish Chuckles
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service,and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She
says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask,Mary?
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional
booth,sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but
the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on
the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this
side either."
====================
> > >
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
runover by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little
shit,O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in
his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said
Paddy... "Mrs.O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
====================
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from
the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya
been?""Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the
cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did
allright," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your
wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a
minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finneganarrives at
her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell
ya"."Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at
the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally,she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda.
He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus!
But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda...
no. In fact, he got out three times to pee
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